Waiting fo nothing February 22, 2009

Sometimes you need to let it go. You have to admit you can’t do anything. The thing is that that tought is quite hard for me, because I always believe I can do something. But not this time. The time is going so slowly, and even if it was faster it didn’t matter, because I’m waiting for nothing, not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow. The time is killing me. I can’t do a thing. There’s only some pain I have to deal with. That’s a really big challenge for me, because this time I have to wait. Patience. Something I don’t have. I can’t sleep at night, can’t read or watch a movie, can’t draw. My mind is only on one place, but it’s like wandering around the whole world. Nothing. Just waiting for the pain to go away and everything be normal. It’s very strange, really, because doing nothing is far away from who I am. I can cry, yes, I can do that and for awhile everything seems to be alwright, but after this, it’s nothing again. Time has stopped for me. I have to try to sleep again, because that’s the only way time can pass faster and go through the pain. Death, death, death. It’s something normal, right, but why then I can’t overcome it? I know why, because I need someone who is not here, and this someone doesn’t even want to see me, so I don’t have a rescuer too. What now? Go to sleep… if I can.

Just relax and stop believeing I can always be strong… , because I’m actally very weak…

For the strenght of a woman… February 3, 2009

Stories like this should be told. It is very inspiring, because a woman, in these times especially, fights to the end for justice. The story doesn’t have the typical happy end. She never finds her boy, but never stops searching for him too. Stories like hers remind me that we should fight for our rights, not just give up. There are so many tales which teach us to do that, but sometimes it is hard to believe them. After all, they are just fictions. However, when you take examples from real life, you can’t find an excuse. In the end she finds justice.

People often call me a dreamer, because I learned to tell and believe that everything is possible. Why have we stopped believing that we can’t find happiness or that we can’t fight for our rights and win? I see so much negativism around me. People have stopped fighting. It’s true that for many people lives are not so good, but…  My biggest fear is to give up some day. I’m afraid life could beat me and I become some of the frown faces walking down the street.

I think we can’t realize how much power we have. With our actins we affect everyone around us, but still say “I can’t do anything”. We can do everything as long as we want it, so stop complaining and do something about it…

PS: If you have chance, watch the movie Angelina Jolie plays her rolle very well!

If you don’t understand someting doesn’t mean you dont like it February 3, 2009

Two Pilobolus dancers perform “Symbiosis.”

At first I thought it’s very strange, and actually, it is, but it is also very beautiful. I don’t quite understand it, but enjoyed it very much. It is said to represent the birth of a relationship. I have watched it twice. The more I watched it, the more I saw what they want to show. However, it is still hard to understand it. A teacher of mine used to say that you can’t say you don’t like anything if you don’t understand it. Same logic… you can’t say you like something if you don’t understand it. I disagree. Their movements, the relationship between them and their bodies are so beautiful. I don’t understand much of dancing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. At first it’s a little bit creepy, but magical too. The magic of body, a level of flexibility you can’t imagine…

People often deny things they don’t understand. Is it important to understand everything in life? Isn’t it there any magic when something stay hidden? You’d probably would say that the world would stop going round if people don’t ask “Why?”, and I’ll say that you’re right, but sometimes, just sometimes, some things are better when you don’t ask why. Just enjoy.

The hidden part February 3, 2009

Sometimes you can’t realize how fast you’re changing. This time, I realize I have began to change…how much? I don’t know, but I feel this change. Thanks to a very special person to me, I feel I began to be more comfortable with who I am. For the first time in my life, I have no difficulties talking about myself and sharing what was concealed for so many years. So… today I decided to show “the world” a dream I have had many years ago… I wanted to be a designer. Here’s some of my paintings. I still believe someday I will have that luck, but when and how, I don’t know. I dreamed of working in France, Paris for the biggest designers, learn from them and then become myself such one. I’m not a person who will start dressing with fancy clothes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like creating them I hope if you like something to comment it… well, I will be glad to comment even if you don’t like anything I will write some other time why I give up that dream. It’s a little bit painful to talk about it, and now I don’t feel like feeling bad

Why Psychology February 1, 2009

Since I was accepted to study in the USA, people have began to ask me what do I want to study there. The answer is Psychology. The thing is, that every time someone asks me and I answer him/her back, I receive that strange look. Then there is silence. I have to even admit that sometimes I feel I little bit embarrassed. But why? What do people expect from me to tell them? Economics? I’m really sick of explaining why I want to study Psychology again again, especially when nobody wants to understand. That’s what I want, and what I’m most interested in. “But what could you become with this major?” -  Well, more things than you could imagine, if you have ever imagined something.

The bad thing is they influence me a little bit, and I don’t feel so sure anymore. If I go to study there, and graduate, and come back here, in Bulgaria, what will my job be? I’m a little bit scared, but angry too. I can’t imagine myself working in an office, staying on the chair all day long. That would be so tiresome! I don’t know what to expect from life, because this field is not from the safe one. I just want to live my life the I want, pursuing my dreams and not necessarily follow the “path” people have created.

Two days ago a friend of mine was thinking about my choice. His statement was that psychologists are the saddest people. His argument was that when you know so much about people, you will know what they think and so on, that would make a person crazy. I thought about that. Is it true? I believe that psychologist study things, which would help to understand people, therefore find what’s the problem, and when you know what’s the problem – you can fix it, can’t you? Besides, you are able to get to know better yourself and find the way to be happy, right? I’m a little bit confused, but I still think that is what I should study. Did I do the right choice? Time will show, but I believe that as long as I see it as a right one, I will find my way somewhere on the road.

Jackie Chan’s Blog??? January 27, 2009

I was wandering round the Internet and found this http://www.jackiechan.com/blog/453040–Albuquerque-to-China-and-Back-Again ! It seems to me pretty real, and Jackie, I hope, is really writing there. The site is to his fans, and is actually his website, but it is far more interesting than other celebrities’ sites. It’s not like the usual blog, but I like it, tough. He seems to me very nice person. After all, how many stars would start writing something like this? If you have noticed Prad Pitt having a blog, please, let me know ))

Beyoncé – Single Ladies January 19, 2009

As always Beyonce is different. Her latest video Single Ladies is great! Actually, I watched the video fist, then I listened to the music These girls are so hypnotizing! The way they dance… you just can’t stop watching them. I’m not sure I would like the song so much if it wasn’t the video. We’re used to very colorful, full with subjects and plots videos. This is different. The video is simple, there aren’t any subjects and perhaps just that fact catch your eye, it’s black and white and there are only three girls dancing. Very creative! Here is it: Beyonce – Single Ladies

The director of the video is Jake Nava. Other videos made by him:

Beyonce feat. Jay-Z – Crazy in Love

Beyonce – If I were a Boy

The Rhythm of Rumba January 16, 2009

No one can deny the tenderness of rumba, its loving moves and easy sway… it’s like a magic.

My father was a ballroom dancer many years ago, but I know only some steps in this kind of dancing. That’s sad, though, because I wish I could dance cha-cha, jive, quickstep or rumba. I wish his bosses, back then, many years ago, hadn’t forbidden him to have a club for a ballroom dancing. I wish he had chosen to follow his passion, instead of the more-reliable and serious job. Everything could be different, but it’s not, and I’m sure it’s for good.

Six years ago I was for a year in such a club, but it didn’t work out,.. not because I didn’t have desire or time, but because I didn’t have a partner. You see, in ballroom dancing, you can hardly dance without a partner. I was too bored, so I quit, but someday I’ll start again, of that I’m sure.

Rumba. The rhythm is taking me like a wind and a desire to dance arise in my body. I know only the main steps, but that is enough for me, because everything else is coming from inside… just feel it, and dance…

The Evil Eye January 13, 2009

It’s strange how sometimes one little thing can change everything. Today wasn’t one of my favorite days – I was freezing in school, my head ached all morning and I had to deal with some unpleasant people. When I came home I was in bad mood and all I wanted to do was to go to sleep and forget what had happened, but before that I had to check my email and surf round the net for awhile. Fortunately, I found that video with the gorgeous little baby Not only it brought the smile on  my face back, but also I couldn’t stop laughing for a very long time I watched it again and again and laughed every time.

Now I remember a person on the street who made me smile the same way. It was a long time ago, but I won’t forget it soon. It was a gray and rainy day, and I was in the center of my town, going somewhere… don’t remember where. I was in terrible mood, and couldn’t get away the frown from my face. Suddenly, in the distance, I saw a person who was different. He was smiling. I noticed him, because everyone around me was frown too. He passed by to me, but before that our eyes met. It was only for a few seconds, but the look of his face changed my whole day. He was smiling, perhaps not even realizing that. There was something so beautiful and pure in his smile and his eyes that can’t stop you smile him back. He was dressed with old clothes and had a funny hat. When he passed, I stopped and thought for a moment. Just then I realized how sad was I looking, and there wasn’t any real reason for that. Any trouble and worry went away. I was feeling free and happy… so suddenly.

Sometimes, you need someone to remind you that you’re not so bad after all; someone or something to bring your smile again. Yeah, I know the saying that you have to be able to make yourself happy, but sometimes you need a little help and a reminder to remind you to stop for awhile and calm down. Everything will be awright…

Tomorrow, tomorrow… January 12, 2009

From more than two weeks my mother is reminding me to tidy my room. Well, the recent days is more like scolding. The point is that my usual answer was “Tomorrow”. Actually, I think I knew I wouldn’t do it, but I had to tell her something to leave me alone, and of course, when tomorrow comes, it’s quite hard to tidy it, and… there is another “tomorrow”.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how often I actually say it, especially when I don’t want to do something. The little girl sings beautifully, but I feel I began to hate this song. Why tomorrow? Why not now? Tomorrow will be better? Well, why don’t you stand up and do something about your life now? “Tomorrow” quite often means “never” or at least – “not tomorrow”. We all have promised ourselves “I’ll eat less from tomorrow”, “I’ll stop the cigarettes from tomorrow”, “I’ll be different from tomorrow”. Yeah, right, and how many times do these promises work?

We’re wasting our lives to get better for tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. The big tomorrow “is always a day away” and that’s why we love it. It’s easier, but waiting for the world to become a better place tomorrow, won’t make it a such one, waiting for your life to change tomorrow won’t bring you any change. If you want something, you have to do it now, not tomorrow.

We have forgotten that we live now, feel now, make mistakes now… That’s sad, because life is passing through us and we can’t even notice it.

Well, it’s a different matter that I like my room not being very tidy I fee more comfortable, when there are my stuffs everywhere. I’m a little bit scared from “the order”, but that’s another topic.